12:55 p.m. - 18 January 2008
Vis Vires
I used to be able to express myself through words so easily. All I had to do was take pen to paper or fingers to keys and out it would come. My thoughts, my dreams, my fears. I loved to write, to talk, to express myself in any way, just to be heard. Now, a few years older and may a little wiser (depending on your point of view), I prefer to sit back and watch or listen. Don't get me wrong, I still love to talk but sometimes I just don't feel that I'm really stating anything meaningful, anything with purpose. Mainly talking just to hear myself speak. Or maybe, I'm just enjoying a comfortable silence that I am finally able to endure. Greatful for the calm that seems to have come with age and not missing, for even a second, the whirlwind melodrama that was constantly playing out in my head. My heart and my mind are at peace.
Not to say that I don't have problems or worries because I do and my marriage, my job, my family and friends are a constant source of worry for me but only because I think that I care too much for people now.
I have so few in my life and don't really allow new ones in because it takes so much work to be friends, real friends or lovers or a good wife, sister, daughter, etc. People are exhausting sometimes so I prefer to limit my exposure to new ones because I can only spread myself so thin before I just don't have anything left.
My relationship with my family had improved - I feel closer to my mother than I ever have in my life and am so thankful for both my parents each day. I can't believe they still love me, after all I did to them and they act like they don't remember a thing. I think they prefer to remember me being 5 or so and then all of a sudden I am who I am right now. All those screwed up years in between don't matter. That's what is so amazing about parents and their unconditional love for their children.
Although I feel that I could have taken a few roads less traveled in my earlier years, I wouldn't want to change a thing. I am everything I am because of all the stupid mistakes I made and idiotic decisions I thought were in my best interest. Or, I just wasn't thinking at all.
Time now I think, for reflection and appreciation of that sad little girl who didn't want to live and the woman she's become. I survived - just another statistic, another victim of bad decisions and being in the wrong place at the wrong time - but most importantly, I survived me because I was my own worst enemy. It is a daily battle remembering the near misses and almost fatal lifestyle and the didn't miss at all and price I paid for my behavior. All in all, I hope my children, if I ever have any, will be able to know me, know about who I was and who I have become and be proud.

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