1:37 p.m. - 11 August 2009
A Sad Waste of a Life?
We know this woman, Sue. Sometimes known as, "Crazy Sue," and in reality, her nickname was fitting. Even though she made several attempts to befriend me making comments like, "I'm 33, it's past time I do something with my life" or "You seem like just the right kind of influence I need in my life" - She was way too loud, too wild and drank way too much for me to even consider being more than just an acquaintance. There are some people that you just know are beyond your help. I have an alcoholic brother and he has taken up more space and time in my life than I am ever willing to give to another human being in trouble again. Either way, Crazy Sue was a force when she walked into a room - she was loud and sometimes funny, always drunk or on her way to being drunk and always trying to be the life of the party. Everyone loves her but does anyone really know her? Probably not.
Then she gets this boyfriend who is about 10 years her junior, seemingly meek and overwhelmed by her. He appears to keep up with her just fine but it always seems like he's not sure if he should be embarrassed by her or in awe. He bought her this ring, nothing too sophisticated but a sweet gesture nonetheless. I remember the ring because she went out of her way to show it to me and I remember her telling me that no one had ever bought her jewelry before. I thought that was very sad and I remember feeling sorry for a 33 year old woman who just had her first piece of jewelry bought for her.

Well, my husband called me Friday afternoon and says, "Sue died in a car accident early this morning." I remember thinking that it was such a loss, that she didn't get a chance to start a family, have a life that didn't require jeagermeister shots and beer and that she didn't get any more jewelry.

Then we find out that she didn't die in a car accident the way one might think. She was drunk, fighting with her boyfriend and jumped out of the fucking jeep going 45 mph! There is speculation that he pushed her but in all reality, meet him once and you know he wouldn't do it or couldn't do it. Either way, wasn't responsible for it. All of a sudden, I'm not necessarily mourning any more. I don't feel a deep sense of loss for the girl who never got jewelry, I feel irritated and unsympathetic for the drunk who jumped out of a moving fucking vehicle.

I can see her telling the story, " I just got so fucking mad that I just totally jumped right out of the fucking jeep, man - Just fucking jumped!"

Do I think she planned to die? No. Do I think she even considered that an option? No. I think she had gotten away with so much for so long, she felt invincible. Dying didn't occur to her as it hadn't in the past 10 years of drinking, driving, binging, etc.

As of right now, I'm going to the funeral tonight but unless I can find a really good reason before it starts, I may just go home. Is that wrong? Should I continue to feel for her and the thousands like her who drink too much and refuse to deal with their issues? As hard as I try, I can't muster up much. I feel the loss because she could have potentially been so much more than she was, more than she allowed herself to be but, do you feel the loss for the girl who hid behind alcohol and pulled another stupid move that ended up killing her? Do I feel for the woman who was so lonely and so sad that she was moved to tears by a piece of costume jewelry?

I don't know.

I don't know what I would tell my unborn child - that their mother was so insensitive that she couldn't mourn the loss of a young life or, do I tell them that a life of excess will lead you nowhere but to an early grave?

previous - next